So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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