I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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