I need to stop coming to work sober
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
