It's Friday. Sex?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize