so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
