ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
