I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
