You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
