you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
