So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
