Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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