So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
