apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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