saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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