I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
