By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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