and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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