Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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