i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
