I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
