Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we're making bets on your personal life
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
