Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
