my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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