I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
