No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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