***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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