Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
