Four minutes until I can fart!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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