hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
