as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
