I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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