Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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