the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
