I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize