Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
