About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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