Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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