Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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