Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
