sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
