my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
