was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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