He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
