I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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