My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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