So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
