Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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