she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
