Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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