I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
