happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
