Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
