I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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