I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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