I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
