she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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