Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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