I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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