I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
