Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
