i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
