Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
