youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize