Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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